Beware the poisoned apple on public transportation

OK, so I'm on the bus, it's a snowy dreary Monday and a quick scan reveals that there is only one seat left for me and it's next to a dead person. Half slouched over what WILL be my half of the seat is sleeping beauty and she's leaning on her back-pack. A firm nudge to the shoulder to get her to wake up was unsuccessful...wow deap sleeper...so I nudged her again to no avail. Now it's time to get crafty...right arm pulls out the back-pack while the left pushes her over as my butt takes it's rightful place. Still no sign of life as I dump her back-pack on her lap which immediately tumbled to the floor. I would usually mumble something along the lines of "not my problem anymore", but my curiosity was more interested in finding the poison apple. Maybe there was a bite left for me so I could avoid the day as well.

A small voice inside me brought up the question of whether this person was in need of medical assistance, but that nanosecond passed as I remembered what day it was. If she wasn't cute I would never have tolerated my shoulder being used as a pillow and, of course, being the same shoulder that was violated by Brucy's bit and pieces last week, it was in need of some female attention. The only concern I had left was to occasionally verify that her drool wasn't flowing down my arm.

She began to show a little sign of life after the driver made a swift left and right to avoid a stalled car in the bus lane. Her eyes openned long enough to see her back-pack on the floor, pick it up and give me a dirty look for obviously being the guilty party in soiling her prized possession. Cute be damned, now it's time for some payback. Five minutes later we hit the first drop off area where about 10 to 15 % of the passengers get off and she is back to being sound asleep. As soon as the bus driver engaged warp 2 (warp 7 doesn't work in a snow storm) I timed my quick transfer to an adjacent seat just right to maximize her sudden loss of support. It took all of my strength to hold back a monster guffaw that wanted out, but I instead pretended to show concern for her back-pack that was now at my feet so I picked it up and waited for her to get control of her ipod before handing it back. I wasn't expecting, nor did I get any TY for the effort.

SUPPER'S READY!

I can't see how the bus system is saving the planet and this morning's ride is the best example. It wasn't all that cold outside but the middle door was extremely drafty so the driver had the heating on full blast. I was sitting just accross from the "Insta-freeze" contraption so I was frozen on one side and sweating bullets on the other...I HATE BUSES! ...have I ever mentioned that?

It became quite amusing after a while because people would get on and sit anywhere within 4 seats of this wonderful invention and immediately take off their hats, gloves and in the case of my new friend Brucy, his pink scarf. They are used to this routine as the equatorial temperatures on a bus in Canada during winter is standard policy, but today as fast as they came off did they go back on. Even the really big dude who stands at the bus stop with his jacket unzipped in -25 degree weather pulled his hood over his head.

The extra energy required to heat the bus must cost a fortune in extra fuel so I really wonder if mother nature is really benefiting. I felt like standing up halfway throught the ride and asking everyone to switch sides so we can cook the other half of our bodies, but I figured that that might attract cannibals looking for a quick ready to eat meal.

Did that hurt?

I didn't write my blog yesterday. I had to skip work and go see a Psychiatrist who handles emergencies after my ride into work. Remember when you were young, travelling somewhere that was too many minutes long and eventually one sibling would complain to Mommy that so and so was touching their leg. Well the jerkoff that I ended up sitting next to was quite ademant about maintaining contact with my leg. This didn't trigger my near nervous breakdown, but it set the stage for what was to come.

I was on the outside part of the seat so I tried to maneuver a little closer to the edge and set up a small gap between us, but jerkoff just filled the void. "MOMMY, JERKOFF IS TOUCHING MY LEG AGAIN!" So I again reajusted myself to recreate a void and still jerkoff was back in love with my leg. Well, I'm not shy so I shoved my leg into his, pushing him over about six inches, held it there for three seconds and then proceeded to create that gap. I think he was brain dead because, like a horny dog, he was back. I think he got the hint finally after the third and violent thrust of my knee.

OK, now I'm back to a tolerable level of comfort, for a bus ride, but the very next stop Brucy got on and sauntered down the isle and parked himself right next to me. Brucy wanted to stand, but more importantly, he wanted to stand next to me and jag his crotch into my shoulder. Now my mind exploded and the steam started to pour out. In my thoughts I was saying "Alright you faggot! I got nothing wrong with gay people, but I draw the line at teabagging my shoulder" Oh, oh! now nobody can read my blog on the air in Canada! I'll try to watch my language  from now on.

Now if I'm willing to shove a dudes leg over for touching me, imagine what I would do in this situation!!! So I immediately made a sharp turn while raising my elbow into Brucy's thigh and checked out how packed the bus was that required him to stand. "Il y a une siège la bas, eh!" I explained to the poor red faced faggot...oops there I go again.. I think he was in pain because he didn't argue with me. His saunter was now a limp for some reason??? BTW...the psychiatrist did manage to turn off the steam output before I died of dehydration.

Stuff

I had the privillege of sitting in the single seat right next to the driver this morning and I noticed something funny. Why is it that he gets to wear a seatbelt? The lady who ended up standing right in front of me would crash right through the window if a collision occurred, but the driver is protected. Why is it that the poorest of the masses has to ride in danger mode while the driver gets a belt?

Well that's all I have to say today. Check out this interesting link sent to me:

http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/ottawa/story/2011/02/18/otttawa-oc-transpo-smoking-video.html
I agree with berating stinky riders and I believe that it is the driver's responsibility to remove anybody who is offensive. Some people absolutely reak of tobacco and never wash their cloths so it accumilates. I agree that the driver probably went too far, but I'm fed up with these scumbags who don't own a bar of soap.

Have a great day and if you stink, stay off the 9 and 45 today from 3:30 to 4:30.

It may have been closer to an olive green

Management practices with regards to work have always encouraged people to maintain a high level of attendance despite the personal sacrifice it requires. Stupid people are mostly influenced by this practice and therefore they tend to push themselves to work despite any circumstance. If their affliction is merely a broken bone, migrain or cardiac arrest  then I could care less, but the influenza infested, puss spewing, miserable dumb asses who insist on riding the same bus as me need to pass out somewhere between their beds and the bus stop. Preferably into a ditch where the snowplow can cover them up rendering their ability to infect the masses to a strict minimum. I say minimum because there is always the possibility that the poor shmuck who has to drag the body out come spring time may still be at risk.

Of course, because my Friday commute was too perfect, Mr. Karma decided to come by and show some concern for my overly well being and dumped a 200 decibel rated cough machine next to me. The occasional hack was muffled a bit by some forest green mucus being launched up his pipes. I know the color because one wad made it passed the kleenex shield and onto the back of the seat in front of us making the following horkings being swallowed even more revolting.

Managers need to convey the importance of staying home when you are sick and stop viewing sick days as extra holidays. Sick days should also be offered to contractors who presently don't get paid for time off. The losses due to temporary diminished productivity from a single employee are well worth the investment.

Really pissed

I'm really upset about my ride into work today. I arrived at the Park n Ride and a bus was already there to pick me up. The ride was peaceful and nobody was palying their music too loud. No cell phones went off and I got the whole seat to myself. The driver was smooth, never hit the brakes too hard and waited until we were seated before taking off. I got off of bus #1 and got on #2 right away for more of the same treatment. The bus driver wished me a good weekend as I got off at work and the weather was nice. BORING!

I started this blog, not as a means of becoming an internet blogging sensation or one day replace Dave Barry a humorist for some big time newspaper, but as a way of venting my rage over the pittiful service know as Public Transportation. A day like today was too nice so now I have nothing to write about so my readers will be deaply disappointed. Of course the two or three who actually read it are only doing so to see if they need to show up at the police station with bail money because I've gone ballistic on some ignorant halfwit for coughing in my face.

I'll be off to my brother's place tonight for billiards and a movie and there had better be a decent C count going or lots of death and mayhem or today will be a total write off. Time to get back to work now. I have to go see some clients and I'm hoping that they are in a foul mood or I might have to smile or something.

Splat!

Yes, I hate buses, but I hate stupid people even more...and I hate dangerous people with a passion. While waiting 2 feet from the edge of the sidewalk with my bus rolling in only a few yards away some jerkoff decided that it was entirely appropriate to push me closer to the edge to make room for him to pass. Seeing the sideview mirror coming straight for me I immediately ducked just enough to feel it brush the top of my tuque. Had I not been so vigilant then eYe wuD b riteing 2deis Blug lyke DIs. Narrowly escaping a sudden drop in IQ I immediately yelled at the idiot "WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING FLARKHEAD!"

Jerkoff turned and was about to rant something back at me when two other people who saw this jumped in and ruined my fun. "You almost killed the guy!", "What's the matter with you!" and he backed off. Too bad because at that moment I was ready to fire my right missile at his clueless head. I got on the bus and the driver looked pale,"Are you alright sir?" he asked. "Just fit to be tied right now" was my only response which surprisingly landed a few chuckles.

I'm still wondering if this waste of oxygen even realises what he did and how close he came to seriously reducing my revenue and increasing my drool potentials or even affecting my skull's talent for containing grey matter. He might even think that he was right to do what he did and we may yet see the disturbing headline about some poor shmuck who got brained.

Don't hate the hater

Have I mentioned yet how much I hate buses? The revolting lower classes crammed into rolling tin cans while the rich get to use up the majority of the carbon quota in their Mercedes, Volvos and BMWs. I would bet my left arm vs a doughnut that nobody riding the bus has a Lexus in their garage.

One concept that I have trouble understanding is why do some have to stand. We all pay the same fare so why is it that one gets to sit while others must stand. I get the issue of maximizing usage and the fact that it is impossible to precisely determine user volume on a particular day and at a certain hour, but when one bus is packed tight every day then why not add another bus? If maintaining too large a group of drivers is the issue then why don't we start using double-decker buses during peak hours. Same great service (HACK! PTEWY), more room for ridership and the rich can have larger billboards to read. You know, like high end sports car or caviar ads???

Yes I do hate buses and the people that ride them. Most of the passengers are alright, but they all have the potential to piss me off so I just hate them all, myself included. It was my fault for not being studious enough and land a great job so I am forced to put up with the dredges of society and try to get through the daily commute without killing someone.

Evil Knievellen at the helm

It was quite cold this morning, about -20 C which is -4 for my US friends. In survival mode I just got on the bus quickly and didn't even notice the driver...yet. Before I and the ten people behind me had a chance to sit, Captain Picard pointed forward and utterd "engage" and the bus was launched at warp 7. I managed to get a good grip and stop which made me a good cushion for the pretty lady behind me. I know that it was only warp 7 because 9.9 was reserved for the tight winding streets of downtown Hull.

I kept thinking that the driver was either drunk or very incompetant as the tires were often rubbing on or going over sidewalks. Each nudge would spill a few gulps from someones morning caffeine injection and test the poor stander's death grip on the poles. One corner grazing nearly catapulted one dude off of his half seat. That was his fault for deciding to sit next to another big dude which means that one butt cheek gets to hang over the edge of the Kindergarten sized seats.

Armed with my usual big mouth and fury over being subjected to this carnival ride, when nearing my stop I carefully made my way to the front of the bus keeping both hands frimly clamped around poles, seat backs and a few shoulders only to finally see who was driving. I would like to have been able to report that it was that monkey that escaped from the zoo a few weeks earlier, but we don't have a zoo and a monkey probably would have done a better job. I was about to begin berating the lead footed, half blind ogre until I saw the "trainee" tag over her left breast. She was actually quite cute and the only thing I could think of was NICE RACK!

Before the bus came to a screeching halt I did manage to quickly check the seat where the "trainer" usually sits and it was empty. I assumed that at some point he dove out the door and was embeded in a snowbank somewhere along the route, thankful to still be alive. Upon making a hasty exit I did do my civic duty and checked for him under the bus just in case he wasn't being dragged along or stuck spinning with the tires.

HARRUMP!

Some people need to go back to Elementary school. Remember learning how to stand in line and proceed one at a time! Apparently these rules in our society don't apply when you ride the bus. I got off of bus #1 and proceeded to the line for #2 and took my place like a good little boy, but when the bus came some kindergarten drop out decided to try and bypass the line and squeeze in near the front. Unfortunately for him, he tried to do so right in front of me...BIG MISTAKE! As we neared the door I quickly moved in front of him and blocked his path and proceeded to let everyone behind me get on first.

HARRUMP! Was the sound of victory that I heard behind me as that sweet elderly lady got on with a big smile. She saw the whole thing and quite enjoyed watching someone 6ft 220lbs put this jerkoff in his place. Excuse me! followed, but I remained well positioned to maximize this dudes hatred for me. I was hoping that once we were all on that he would have to stand, even if it meant I would have to as well, but to no avail. The bus driver also saw the whole thing unfold and didn't even look at my pass. He just smiled at me as these are the small things that help him get through his day. That and nudging sidewalks when people insist on eating while standing.

I hate buses for a reason: because stupid people ride them. When it's done right the ride can be okay, but the few inconsiderate, waste of oxygen, stinky, loudmouthed, butting in, ^%$#*^% A HOLES make the ride intolerable for the rest of us.

They would never convict me

Animals are territorial and humans are no different. As buses fill the poor bastards who get on last are stuck standing. Some, despite the numerous bellows from the driver to move to the rear, stick to their spot near the front like stubborn cattle. Eventually you end up with 15 people packed in like sardines in the first few yards and voids all the way to the back. I wanted to start early today so I jumped on the first bus that already had people standing. I don't care about the standing part, but the cow that completely blocked my path to greener pastures with her grain fed monstrosity of an ass and back pack no doubt filled with her daily cud kick started my creative juices for today's blog.

I finally got past her and I must admit I was quite rude about it. She readjusted her feed bag just in time to annoy the next passenger who had hopes of a simple spot where he could actually breath. I spent the next 20 minutes just staring at her hoping that I could make her head explode with my mind to no avail. I kept thinking to myself how satisfying it would be to just walk up and punch her in the face and I'm sure no judge would comvict me.

The idiots blocked by her were no smarter. Whipped by a society that frowns on standing up for yourself, they just stayed there and suffered the whole way. The fun part came near the end of my ride as passengers start to get off at their stops and she was one of the first. Instead of disturbing 3 people by taking the middle door, she waddled and crushed her way to the front leaving behind several wounded and many who will likely need psychological counselling to get over the trauma.

Karma! please kick in!!! Please let her fall under the wheels of the bus or at least have her slip on the sidewalk.... no luck. Oh well, there's always tomorrow.

Welcome to I hate buses

I truely hate buses. I am forced to use them because parking near to my work is impossible and being Canadian means that biking to work is possible only for a few months a year.

So, every weekday morning I'm going to try and post my experiences from that morning's commute and the previous evening's headache. It only takes me 1 hour from my door to my office, which starts with a drive to the local Park n Ride, a 10 to 15 minute wait for bus #1 and a half hour drive across Gatineau. The voyage isn't done there. We still have to cross a bridge, drive past the Canadian parliament building and finally stop in front of the Rideau center (Canada's finest shopping mall for the rich and stupid). Now it's time to wait another 10 minutes for another bus to take me the final few km to work. One good thing, it drops me off right in front of the building...LUCKY ME!

Apparently I'm helping to save the environment, but I'm sure that the greenhouse gases in the steam coming out of my ears each day is negating the advantage for Mom Nature. We probably can expect a few tenths of a degree warmer summer this year after I tried to get up from my seat last night only to be snapped back by a well chewed piece of gum stuck to the heating board. I feel sorry for the poor lady with the new frizzy hairdo for taking the brunt of my ear exhaust, but she rides the bus and therefore took that risk of her own free will.

See you tomorrow,

Johnny B. Good