It's been a while since my last blog as I'm merely experiencing the same crap over and over so I thought I would put together a top ten reasons why I hate buses:
10. Stale air-Breathing the same air as the 40% who don't brush their teeth is disgusting.
9. Gum magnet-Buses seam to attract gum, especialy around the seats.
8. People who can't form into a line-You should have to show your Elementary diploma to buy a bus pass.
7. Waiting for the stupid things-need I say more
6. Cell phones-Set the damn things to silent mode and we don't need to hear about your colonoscopy.
5. Stinky people-The technology exists...it's called running water and soap!!!
4. Rude people-take off your back packs, move to the back and stop stepping on my feet.
3. Bad bus drivers-I'd like to see a cop pull them over some mornings and perform breathalizer tests.
2. Uncomfortable seats-they are probably designed by the Chinese who's average height is 4 ft nothing
1. Stupid people-THEY ARE EVERYWHERE! especially on buses.
This will probably be my last Blog on the subject. Starting next week I'll start ranting about other things that annoy me with the occasional poke back on buses.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Friday, March 11, 2011
Pie cheese crust all maggety got damp in a sommersville ditch
Yes it's raining in Canada's national capital which means that umbrellas are out and people riding the bus are using them. This, of course, gives every self centered, "me, myself and I" idiot a glorious chance to show off how important they are verses the rest of us useless oxygen mongers. Here is the proper procedure for enforcing your supremacy over the humble masses:
Make your way to one of the first bus stops on the route as to get a whole seat to yourself. As the bus approaches, close your umbrella slowly without shaking it so as to retain the maximum amount of water. Upon taking your throne immediately turn your water logged bat wing unside down on the adjacent seat and bang it a few times to release as must H2O as possible. If you are on a bus with bucket seats then all the better although the older models do have a decent indentation so you not need worry about losing any precious liquid to the floor or even worse, your pants. Now before you settle in to enjoy the ensuing show, be sure to close your umbrella and hook it on the isle seat in front of you so that the troll who takes that one can have a nice pointy handle in their back. If the other prima donna in front of you has followed this procedure correctly then you get extra points for the double whammy...it's called team work! With the stage set it is now time to wait for the double bill...it's like being at the drive in...only fun.
But if you are an a$$hole like me, then you ruin all their fun by quickly wiping the water off (not towards the open floor but towards the offending upper classperson) and while doing so take a good grip of the seat back and ACCIDENTALLY knock the perched umbrella to the floor. I like to switch hands during the wiping so I can take out both the idiot's umbrella that I will be sitting next to and the jerkoff's one sitting behind us. Of course I do excuse myself...about 1/10 of a second before I knock each one to the dirty bus floor.
Make your way to one of the first bus stops on the route as to get a whole seat to yourself. As the bus approaches, close your umbrella slowly without shaking it so as to retain the maximum amount of water. Upon taking your throne immediately turn your water logged bat wing unside down on the adjacent seat and bang it a few times to release as must H2O as possible. If you are on a bus with bucket seats then all the better although the older models do have a decent indentation so you not need worry about losing any precious liquid to the floor or even worse, your pants. Now before you settle in to enjoy the ensuing show, be sure to close your umbrella and hook it on the isle seat in front of you so that the troll who takes that one can have a nice pointy handle in their back. If the other prima donna in front of you has followed this procedure correctly then you get extra points for the double whammy...it's called team work! With the stage set it is now time to wait for the double bill...it's like being at the drive in...only fun.
But if you are an a$$hole like me, then you ruin all their fun by quickly wiping the water off (not towards the open floor but towards the offending upper classperson) and while doing so take a good grip of the seat back and ACCIDENTALLY knock the perched umbrella to the floor. I like to switch hands during the wiping so I can take out both the idiot's umbrella that I will be sitting next to and the jerkoff's one sitting behind us. Of course I do excuse myself...about 1/10 of a second before I knock each one to the dirty bus floor.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Late to work
There are many reasons why I hate buses, but there is one thing about them that is positive and that is the bus lane. A beautiful strip of asphalt painted with diamonds reserved just for us losers. The only problem with that is when mother nature takes a huge white dump on us the gas guzzling SU FU&*!NG Vs start thinking that they are justified in using our lane. Just because you need a second mortgage to refill you tank, doesn't mean that you get to ride with us. Of course most have probably figured out that the police are too busy dealing with cars in ditches and other accidents to have the time to monitor the bus lanes for us. All this made me late for work and as a contractor, that is money out of my pocket.
I have a solution though. Mount twin gatling guns on the front of each bus and when an SUV wanders into the bus lane for longer than the permitted amount of time (usually only close to a right hand turn and they must turn) then the driver can reduce the offending machine and occupants to little shreds that city workers can easily sweep up. I had thought of a device similar to a plough that would simply push the SUV over, but that wouldn't be half as fun. Of course a missle launcher mounted on top will be necessary for larger vehicles.
I have a solution though. Mount twin gatling guns on the front of each bus and when an SUV wanders into the bus lane for longer than the permitted amount of time (usually only close to a right hand turn and they must turn) then the driver can reduce the offending machine and occupants to little shreds that city workers can easily sweep up. I had thought of a device similar to a plough that would simply push the SUV over, but that wouldn't be half as fun. Of course a missle launcher mounted on top will be necessary for larger vehicles.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
TB to the rescue!
My usual experience on buses is quite negative, but some mornings can be very entertaining. Especially when Tourettes Boy is on. I picked him out as soon as I got on and, despite available seats, I immediately took a comfortable standing spot with the best view at the back of the bus. LET THE SHOW BEGIN! I'm so evil.
TB had a few seats around him open and a few quiet ladies filled them quickly....OHHH this is gonna be sooo goood! TB has a tendancy to bark when he's nervous and when someone sits next to him, he gets nervous. The poor lady probably never rode with him before and she looked like she was close to retirement...she sat right next to him...ARF!!! I think she aged 5 more years and when she landed back in her seat there were claw marks on the ceiling. At least 10 people turned around to see what THAT was all about and the poor TB just kept staring out the window trying to ignore it all.
Another stop, more people get on and TB doesn't like crowds obviously...ARF! ARF! It is quite loud and people who are used to TB are still shook up because you can see them twitch in their seats. The lady got up and walked to the back to stand next to me. Even if she was aware of the syndrome she couldn't take it. Now TB has the only available seat left and the next person to get on must have thought that they were lucky to have a seat seeing as how there were a few people standing at the back. I could visualize the thought bubble over her head: "The fools didn't even see this one! HAHA this is my lucky da...ARF!ARF!ARF!...aaaay...WTF!!!!!!"
TB had a few seats around him open and a few quiet ladies filled them quickly....OHHH this is gonna be sooo goood! TB has a tendancy to bark when he's nervous and when someone sits next to him, he gets nervous. The poor lady probably never rode with him before and she looked like she was close to retirement...she sat right next to him...ARF!!! I think she aged 5 more years and when she landed back in her seat there were claw marks on the ceiling. At least 10 people turned around to see what THAT was all about and the poor TB just kept staring out the window trying to ignore it all.
Another stop, more people get on and TB doesn't like crowds obviously...ARF! ARF! It is quite loud and people who are used to TB are still shook up because you can see them twitch in their seats. The lady got up and walked to the back to stand next to me. Even if she was aware of the syndrome she couldn't take it. Now TB has the only available seat left and the next person to get on must have thought that they were lucky to have a seat seeing as how there were a few people standing at the back. I could visualize the thought bubble over her head: "The fools didn't even see this one! HAHA this is my lucky da...ARF!ARF!ARF!...aaaay...WTF!!!!!!"
Monday, March 7, 2011
Elbow Wars
Every now and then I come accross someone who is as hard headed as I am. If I wanted a seat one morning then I had to take a sideways one at the back of the bus. It has 3 seats designed more for an Asian butt rather than my ample Canadian Bacon fed frame. Of course I had the choice between trying to wedge in next to Andre the Giant or take the edge seat that has a side bar to my left and a pole to my right. The latter had about 4 mm more room so I sucked in my gut, curved my shoulders and squeaked my poor self into it. The pole immediately cut off blood flow to my lower right leg and the side bar prevented me from seperating my knees so I was a 220lbs nutcracker for a half hour.
Two stops later a lovely heifer got on and decided to take the middle seat and all the glorious 3 inches that separated Mr. Giant's and my shoulders. Neither of us could give her any more room despite our futile attempts so she was stuck sitting with her elbows in front of her. I could feel her trying to squirm them back, first on Andre's side and then on mine, but to no avail. Finally she took advantage of a change in warp speed and tucked her elbow in on my side as I was leaning left at a 45 degree angle. Being in the seat with a side bar I could not readjust so I tried to pry her elbow back out, but she was headstrong and didn't care that my head was inches from another rider's lap (fortunatlely is was not Brucy). I got my revenge at the next stop where the driver woke up at the last second and had to brake hard. With her momentum going right I managed to get my elbow back into position so I could be sitting upright again. Betsy didn't like that so she gave me a dirty look and tried to retake the Real Estate that she had annexed from me earlier. About 30 seconds of elbow jousting went on, but in the end she gave up. In my head I conjured up the best Stewie voice and yelled "VICTORY IS MINE!"
Two stops later a lovely heifer got on and decided to take the middle seat and all the glorious 3 inches that separated Mr. Giant's and my shoulders. Neither of us could give her any more room despite our futile attempts so she was stuck sitting with her elbows in front of her. I could feel her trying to squirm them back, first on Andre's side and then on mine, but to no avail. Finally she took advantage of a change in warp speed and tucked her elbow in on my side as I was leaning left at a 45 degree angle. Being in the seat with a side bar I could not readjust so I tried to pry her elbow back out, but she was headstrong and didn't care that my head was inches from another rider's lap (fortunatlely is was not Brucy). I got my revenge at the next stop where the driver woke up at the last second and had to brake hard. With her momentum going right I managed to get my elbow back into position so I could be sitting upright again. Betsy didn't like that so she gave me a dirty look and tried to retake the Real Estate that she had annexed from me earlier. About 30 seconds of elbow jousting went on, but in the end she gave up. In my head I conjured up the best Stewie voice and yelled "VICTORY IS MINE!"
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Tilted bus
I had a song in my head on last night's ride home..."Oh there she goes, oh there she goes, like an elephant on her toes, she thinks she's sweet...." ARRRGGG! Why did she have to sit next to me?!!! I see this lady, and I use that term loosely, every now and then. She is hard to miss, about 450 lbs, heavy make-up and always carrying bags of food. Her dainty slide into my seat was quite traumatic as I would have preferred a hip check from Chara when he's mad. She isn't very tall, which means that all her weight is tied up in the width department...and that width had me squished against the wall of the bus. I'm sure the Chilean miners had a more comfortable ride coming back to the Earth's surface than I did. I had to time my breaths with hers or I surely would have passed out.
I'm not trying piss off people with weight problems as I'm not a small man myself, but this lady had 4 large bags each stuffed with 3 bags of potato chips. I had no choice but to read the writing on one of them because half of her load was perched on my lap due to her lap being occupied by her mid-section. I would have launched into a series of guffaws had I been able to breath as it read "Health Food Potato Chips"...I think that's what they call an oxymoron!!!
A few minutes into the ride I became serously concerned with my health and decided to pretend that it was my stop coming up...right in the middle of a bridge. It was difficult getting the message accross, not being able to speak or lean or turn my bulging eyes towards her, but she probably felt me squirming to get up. I assumed that that was a common enough occurance for her and had adapted to the feeble twitches of her seat-mates. Either that or she just a good sense of how long the average person can go without proper oxygen intake.
I managed to produce enough movement in my limbs to actually get up, after she had wiggled up out of the seat, and made it to the middle doors and just stood there until my stop came up 20 minutes later. I did look back at one point to see if any standers were desperate enough to sit, but she had the seat all to herself.
I'm not trying piss off people with weight problems as I'm not a small man myself, but this lady had 4 large bags each stuffed with 3 bags of potato chips. I had no choice but to read the writing on one of them because half of her load was perched on my lap due to her lap being occupied by her mid-section. I would have launched into a series of guffaws had I been able to breath as it read "Health Food Potato Chips"...I think that's what they call an oxymoron!!!
A few minutes into the ride I became serously concerned with my health and decided to pretend that it was my stop coming up...right in the middle of a bridge. It was difficult getting the message accross, not being able to speak or lean or turn my bulging eyes towards her, but she probably felt me squirming to get up. I assumed that that was a common enough occurance for her and had adapted to the feeble twitches of her seat-mates. Either that or she just a good sense of how long the average person can go without proper oxygen intake.
I managed to produce enough movement in my limbs to actually get up, after she had wiggled up out of the seat, and made it to the middle doors and just stood there until my stop came up 20 minutes later. I did look back at one point to see if any standers were desperate enough to sit, but she had the seat all to herself.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Be nice, but shut up about it
Another day, another strange issue to report on the current state of public transportation in Canada's national capitol. I would suspect, however, that this $h!t happens everywhere that there are buses... and humans. You can tell who was spoiled rotten as a child and who was raised to have empathy for others by the way people comport themselves on a bus. The few bad apples cause so much distress to others by insisting that they inflict their bad habits, hygiene and personal taste on the masses. Attitude over any given situation is important in my eyes and how you react can make the difference. Underreacting is as bad as going ballistic over a little thing. Some people have no spine and would probably apologize for getting their blood on a killer's knife. Others take offense to such idiotic situations.
Occasionally, some poor sucker gets berated for just trying to be nice. Like the dude last night who immediately got out of his seat up front when a pregnant lady got on. At first I was thinking that this guy is one of the few who really care as this lady was relatively thin for her bloated stomach, but that soon changed to feeling bad for him as this beyach, who took the seat and then tore a piece off of him when he asked her how far along she was. It turned out that she was just fat that way. No good dead goes unpunished I guess.
One can just hope that karma would kick in sometime when she's stuffing her face with pizza pops. Not that I would wish her dead or anything like that, but maybe a hard piece of crust could break a tooth or some hot sauce could burn that ugly tongue. You know, a punishment that fits the crime.
Occasionally, some poor sucker gets berated for just trying to be nice. Like the dude last night who immediately got out of his seat up front when a pregnant lady got on. At first I was thinking that this guy is one of the few who really care as this lady was relatively thin for her bloated stomach, but that soon changed to feeling bad for him as this beyach, who took the seat and then tore a piece off of him when he asked her how far along she was. It turned out that she was just fat that way. No good dead goes unpunished I guess.
One can just hope that karma would kick in sometime when she's stuffing her face with pizza pops. Not that I would wish her dead or anything like that, but maybe a hard piece of crust could break a tooth or some hot sauce could burn that ugly tongue. You know, a punishment that fits the crime.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Beware the poisoned apple on public transportation
OK, so I'm on the bus, it's a snowy dreary Monday and a quick scan reveals that there is only one seat left for me and it's next to a dead person. Half slouched over what WILL be my half of the seat is sleeping beauty and she's leaning on her back-pack. A firm nudge to the shoulder to get her to wake up was unsuccessful...wow deap sleeper...so I nudged her again to no avail. Now it's time to get crafty...right arm pulls out the back-pack while the left pushes her over as my butt takes it's rightful place. Still no sign of life as I dump her back-pack on her lap which immediately tumbled to the floor. I would usually mumble something along the lines of "not my problem anymore", but my curiosity was more interested in finding the poison apple. Maybe there was a bite left for me so I could avoid the day as well.
A small voice inside me brought up the question of whether this person was in need of medical assistance, but that nanosecond passed as I remembered what day it was. If she wasn't cute I would never have tolerated my shoulder being used as a pillow and, of course, being the same shoulder that was violated by Brucy's bit and pieces last week, it was in need of some female attention. The only concern I had left was to occasionally verify that her drool wasn't flowing down my arm.
She began to show a little sign of life after the driver made a swift left and right to avoid a stalled car in the bus lane. Her eyes openned long enough to see her back-pack on the floor, pick it up and give me a dirty look for obviously being the guilty party in soiling her prized possession. Cute be damned, now it's time for some payback. Five minutes later we hit the first drop off area where about 10 to 15 % of the passengers get off and she is back to being sound asleep. As soon as the bus driver engaged warp 2 (warp 7 doesn't work in a snow storm) I timed my quick transfer to an adjacent seat just right to maximize her sudden loss of support. It took all of my strength to hold back a monster guffaw that wanted out, but I instead pretended to show concern for her back-pack that was now at my feet so I picked it up and waited for her to get control of her ipod before handing it back. I wasn't expecting, nor did I get any TY for the effort.
A small voice inside me brought up the question of whether this person was in need of medical assistance, but that nanosecond passed as I remembered what day it was. If she wasn't cute I would never have tolerated my shoulder being used as a pillow and, of course, being the same shoulder that was violated by Brucy's bit and pieces last week, it was in need of some female attention. The only concern I had left was to occasionally verify that her drool wasn't flowing down my arm.
She began to show a little sign of life after the driver made a swift left and right to avoid a stalled car in the bus lane. Her eyes openned long enough to see her back-pack on the floor, pick it up and give me a dirty look for obviously being the guilty party in soiling her prized possession. Cute be damned, now it's time for some payback. Five minutes later we hit the first drop off area where about 10 to 15 % of the passengers get off and she is back to being sound asleep. As soon as the bus driver engaged warp 2 (warp 7 doesn't work in a snow storm) I timed my quick transfer to an adjacent seat just right to maximize her sudden loss of support. It took all of my strength to hold back a monster guffaw that wanted out, but I instead pretended to show concern for her back-pack that was now at my feet so I picked it up and waited for her to get control of her ipod before handing it back. I wasn't expecting, nor did I get any TY for the effort.
Friday, February 25, 2011
SUPPER'S READY!
I can't see how the bus system is saving the planet and this morning's ride is the best example. It wasn't all that cold outside but the middle door was extremely drafty so the driver had the heating on full blast. I was sitting just accross from the "Insta-freeze" contraption so I was frozen on one side and sweating bullets on the other...I HATE BUSES! ...have I ever mentioned that?
It became quite amusing after a while because people would get on and sit anywhere within 4 seats of this wonderful invention and immediately take off their hats, gloves and in the case of my new friend Brucy, his pink scarf. They are used to this routine as the equatorial temperatures on a bus in Canada during winter is standard policy, but today as fast as they came off did they go back on. Even the really big dude who stands at the bus stop with his jacket unzipped in -25 degree weather pulled his hood over his head.
The extra energy required to heat the bus must cost a fortune in extra fuel so I really wonder if mother nature is really benefiting. I felt like standing up halfway throught the ride and asking everyone to switch sides so we can cook the other half of our bodies, but I figured that that might attract cannibals looking for a quick ready to eat meal.
It became quite amusing after a while because people would get on and sit anywhere within 4 seats of this wonderful invention and immediately take off their hats, gloves and in the case of my new friend Brucy, his pink scarf. They are used to this routine as the equatorial temperatures on a bus in Canada during winter is standard policy, but today as fast as they came off did they go back on. Even the really big dude who stands at the bus stop with his jacket unzipped in -25 degree weather pulled his hood over his head.
The extra energy required to heat the bus must cost a fortune in extra fuel so I really wonder if mother nature is really benefiting. I felt like standing up halfway throught the ride and asking everyone to switch sides so we can cook the other half of our bodies, but I figured that that might attract cannibals looking for a quick ready to eat meal.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Did that hurt?
I didn't write my blog yesterday. I had to skip work and go see a Psychiatrist who handles emergencies after my ride into work. Remember when you were young, travelling somewhere that was too many minutes long and eventually one sibling would complain to Mommy that so and so was touching their leg. Well the jerkoff that I ended up sitting next to was quite ademant about maintaining contact with my leg. This didn't trigger my near nervous breakdown, but it set the stage for what was to come.
I was on the outside part of the seat so I tried to maneuver a little closer to the edge and set up a small gap between us, but jerkoff just filled the void. "MOMMY, JERKOFF IS TOUCHING MY LEG AGAIN!" So I again reajusted myself to recreate a void and still jerkoff was back in love with my leg. Well, I'm not shy so I shoved my leg into his, pushing him over about six inches, held it there for three seconds and then proceeded to create that gap. I think he was brain dead because, like a horny dog, he was back. I think he got the hint finally after the third and violent thrust of my knee.
OK, now I'm back to a tolerable level of comfort, for a bus ride, but the very next stop Brucy got on and sauntered down the isle and parked himself right next to me. Brucy wanted to stand, but more importantly, he wanted to stand next to me and jag his crotch into my shoulder. Now my mind exploded and the steam started to pour out. In my thoughts I was saying "Alright you faggot! I got nothing wrong with gay people, but I draw the line at teabagging my shoulder" Oh, oh! now nobody can read my blog on the air in Canada! I'll try to watch my language from now on.
Now if I'm willing to shove a dudes leg over for touching me, imagine what I would do in this situation!!! So I immediately made a sharp turn while raising my elbow into Brucy's thigh and checked out how packed the bus was that required him to stand. "Il y a une siège la bas, eh!" I explained to the poor red faced faggot...oops there I go again.. I think he was in pain because he didn't argue with me. His saunter was now a limp for some reason??? BTW...the psychiatrist did manage to turn off the steam output before I died of dehydration.
I was on the outside part of the seat so I tried to maneuver a little closer to the edge and set up a small gap between us, but jerkoff just filled the void. "MOMMY, JERKOFF IS TOUCHING MY LEG AGAIN!" So I again reajusted myself to recreate a void and still jerkoff was back in love with my leg. Well, I'm not shy so I shoved my leg into his, pushing him over about six inches, held it there for three seconds and then proceeded to create that gap. I think he was brain dead because, like a horny dog, he was back. I think he got the hint finally after the third and violent thrust of my knee.
OK, now I'm back to a tolerable level of comfort, for a bus ride, but the very next stop Brucy got on and sauntered down the isle and parked himself right next to me. Brucy wanted to stand, but more importantly, he wanted to stand next to me and jag his crotch into my shoulder. Now my mind exploded and the steam started to pour out. In my thoughts I was saying "Alright you faggot! I got nothing wrong with gay people, but I draw the line at teabagging my shoulder" Oh, oh! now nobody can read my blog on the air in Canada! I'll try to watch my language from now on.
Now if I'm willing to shove a dudes leg over for touching me, imagine what I would do in this situation!!! So I immediately made a sharp turn while raising my elbow into Brucy's thigh and checked out how packed the bus was that required him to stand. "Il y a une siège la bas, eh!" I explained to the poor red faced faggot...oops there I go again.. I think he was in pain because he didn't argue with me. His saunter was now a limp for some reason??? BTW...the psychiatrist did manage to turn off the steam output before I died of dehydration.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Stuff
I had the privillege of sitting in the single seat right next to the driver this morning and I noticed something funny. Why is it that he gets to wear a seatbelt? The lady who ended up standing right in front of me would crash right through the window if a collision occurred, but the driver is protected. Why is it that the poorest of the masses has to ride in danger mode while the driver gets a belt?
Well that's all I have to say today. Check out this interesting link sent to me:
http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/ottawa/story/2011/02/18/otttawa-oc-transpo-smoking-video.html
I agree with berating stinky riders and I believe that it is the driver's responsibility to remove anybody who is offensive. Some people absolutely reak of tobacco and never wash their cloths so it accumilates. I agree that the driver probably went too far, but I'm fed up with these scumbags who don't own a bar of soap.
Have a great day and if you stink, stay off the 9 and 45 today from 3:30 to 4:30.
Well that's all I have to say today. Check out this interesting link sent to me:
http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/
I agree with berating stinky riders and I believe that it is the driver's responsibility to remove anybody who is offensive. Some people absolutely reak of tobacco and never wash their cloths so it accumilates. I agree that the driver probably went too far, but I'm fed up with these scumbags who don't own a bar of soap.
Have a great day and if you stink, stay off the 9 and 45 today from 3:30 to 4:30.
Monday, February 21, 2011
It may have been closer to an olive green
Management practices with regards to work have always encouraged people to maintain a high level of attendance despite the personal sacrifice it requires. Stupid people are mostly influenced by this practice and therefore they tend to push themselves to work despite any circumstance. If their affliction is merely a broken bone, migrain or cardiac arrest then I could care less, but the influenza infested, puss spewing, miserable dumb asses who insist on riding the same bus as me need to pass out somewhere between their beds and the bus stop. Preferably into a ditch where the snowplow can cover them up rendering their ability to infect the masses to a strict minimum. I say minimum because there is always the possibility that the poor shmuck who has to drag the body out come spring time may still be at risk.
Of course, because my Friday commute was too perfect, Mr. Karma decided to come by and show some concern for my overly well being and dumped a 200 decibel rated cough machine next to me. The occasional hack was muffled a bit by some forest green mucus being launched up his pipes. I know the color because one wad made it passed the kleenex shield and onto the back of the seat in front of us making the following horkings being swallowed even more revolting.
Managers need to convey the importance of staying home when you are sick and stop viewing sick days as extra holidays. Sick days should also be offered to contractors who presently don't get paid for time off. The losses due to temporary diminished productivity from a single employee are well worth the investment.
Of course, because my Friday commute was too perfect, Mr. Karma decided to come by and show some concern for my overly well being and dumped a 200 decibel rated cough machine next to me. The occasional hack was muffled a bit by some forest green mucus being launched up his pipes. I know the color because one wad made it passed the kleenex shield and onto the back of the seat in front of us making the following horkings being swallowed even more revolting.
Managers need to convey the importance of staying home when you are sick and stop viewing sick days as extra holidays. Sick days should also be offered to contractors who presently don't get paid for time off. The losses due to temporary diminished productivity from a single employee are well worth the investment.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Really pissed
I'm really upset about my ride into work today. I arrived at the Park n Ride and a bus was already there to pick me up. The ride was peaceful and nobody was palying their music too loud. No cell phones went off and I got the whole seat to myself. The driver was smooth, never hit the brakes too hard and waited until we were seated before taking off. I got off of bus #1 and got on #2 right away for more of the same treatment. The bus driver wished me a good weekend as I got off at work and the weather was nice. BORING!
I started this blog, not as a means of becoming an internet blogging sensation or one day replace Dave Barry a humorist for some big time newspaper, but as a way of venting my rage over the pittiful service know as Public Transportation. A day like today was too nice so now I have nothing to write about so my readers will be deaply disappointed. Of course the two or three who actually read it are only doing so to see if they need to show up at the police station with bail money because I've gone ballistic on some ignorant halfwit for coughing in my face.
I'll be off to my brother's place tonight for billiards and a movie and there had better be a decent C count going or lots of death and mayhem or today will be a total write off. Time to get back to work now. I have to go see some clients and I'm hoping that they are in a foul mood or I might have to smile or something.
I started this blog, not as a means of becoming an internet blogging sensation or one day replace Dave Barry a humorist for some big time newspaper, but as a way of venting my rage over the pittiful service know as Public Transportation. A day like today was too nice so now I have nothing to write about so my readers will be deaply disappointed. Of course the two or three who actually read it are only doing so to see if they need to show up at the police station with bail money because I've gone ballistic on some ignorant halfwit for coughing in my face.
I'll be off to my brother's place tonight for billiards and a movie and there had better be a decent C count going or lots of death and mayhem or today will be a total write off. Time to get back to work now. I have to go see some clients and I'm hoping that they are in a foul mood or I might have to smile or something.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Splat!
Yes, I hate buses, but I hate stupid people even more...and I hate dangerous people with a passion. While waiting 2 feet from the edge of the sidewalk with my bus rolling in only a few yards away some jerkoff decided that it was entirely appropriate to push me closer to the edge to make room for him to pass. Seeing the sideview mirror coming straight for me I immediately ducked just enough to feel it brush the top of my tuque. Had I not been so vigilant then eYe wuD b riteing 2deis Blug lyke DIs. Narrowly escaping a sudden drop in IQ I immediately yelled at the idiot "WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING FLARKHEAD!"
Jerkoff turned and was about to rant something back at me when two other people who saw this jumped in and ruined my fun. "You almost killed the guy!", "What's the matter with you!" and he backed off. Too bad because at that moment I was ready to fire my right missile at his clueless head. I got on the bus and the driver looked pale,"Are you alright sir?" he asked. "Just fit to be tied right now" was my only response which surprisingly landed a few chuckles.
I'm still wondering if this waste of oxygen even realises what he did and how close he came to seriously reducing my revenue and increasing my drool potentials or even affecting my skull's talent for containing grey matter. He might even think that he was right to do what he did and we may yet see the disturbing headline about some poor shmuck who got brained.
Jerkoff turned and was about to rant something back at me when two other people who saw this jumped in and ruined my fun. "You almost killed the guy!", "What's the matter with you!" and he backed off. Too bad because at that moment I was ready to fire my right missile at his clueless head. I got on the bus and the driver looked pale,"Are you alright sir?" he asked. "Just fit to be tied right now" was my only response which surprisingly landed a few chuckles.
I'm still wondering if this waste of oxygen even realises what he did and how close he came to seriously reducing my revenue and increasing my drool potentials or even affecting my skull's talent for containing grey matter. He might even think that he was right to do what he did and we may yet see the disturbing headline about some poor shmuck who got brained.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Don't hate the hater
Have I mentioned yet how much I hate buses? The revolting lower classes crammed into rolling tin cans while the rich get to use up the majority of the carbon quota in their Mercedes, Volvos and BMWs. I would bet my left arm vs a doughnut that nobody riding the bus has a Lexus in their garage.
One concept that I have trouble understanding is why do some have to stand. We all pay the same fare so why is it that one gets to sit while others must stand. I get the issue of maximizing usage and the fact that it is impossible to precisely determine user volume on a particular day and at a certain hour, but when one bus is packed tight every day then why not add another bus? If maintaining too large a group of drivers is the issue then why don't we start using double-decker buses during peak hours. Same great service (HACK! PTEWY), more room for ridership and the rich can have larger billboards to read. You know, like high end sports car or caviar ads???
Yes I do hate buses and the people that ride them. Most of the passengers are alright, but they all have the potential to piss me off so I just hate them all, myself included. It was my fault for not being studious enough and land a great job so I am forced to put up with the dredges of society and try to get through the daily commute without killing someone.
One concept that I have trouble understanding is why do some have to stand. We all pay the same fare so why is it that one gets to sit while others must stand. I get the issue of maximizing usage and the fact that it is impossible to precisely determine user volume on a particular day and at a certain hour, but when one bus is packed tight every day then why not add another bus? If maintaining too large a group of drivers is the issue then why don't we start using double-decker buses during peak hours. Same great service (HACK! PTEWY), more room for ridership and the rich can have larger billboards to read. You know, like high end sports car or caviar ads???
Yes I do hate buses and the people that ride them. Most of the passengers are alright, but they all have the potential to piss me off so I just hate them all, myself included. It was my fault for not being studious enough and land a great job so I am forced to put up with the dredges of society and try to get through the daily commute without killing someone.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Evil Knievellen at the helm
It was quite cold this morning, about -20 C which is -4 for my US friends. In survival mode I just got on the bus quickly and didn't even notice the driver...yet. Before I and the ten people behind me had a chance to sit, Captain Picard pointed forward and utterd "engage" and the bus was launched at warp 7. I managed to get a good grip and stop which made me a good cushion for the pretty lady behind me. I know that it was only warp 7 because 9.9 was reserved for the tight winding streets of downtown Hull.
I kept thinking that the driver was either drunk or very incompetant as the tires were often rubbing on or going over sidewalks. Each nudge would spill a few gulps from someones morning caffeine injection and test the poor stander's death grip on the poles. One corner grazing nearly catapulted one dude off of his half seat. That was his fault for deciding to sit next to another big dude which means that one butt cheek gets to hang over the edge of the Kindergarten sized seats.
Armed with my usual big mouth and fury over being subjected to this carnival ride, when nearing my stop I carefully made my way to the front of the bus keeping both hands frimly clamped around poles, seat backs and a few shoulders only to finally see who was driving. I would like to have been able to report that it was that monkey that escaped from the zoo a few weeks earlier, but we don't have a zoo and a monkey probably would have done a better job. I was about to begin berating the lead footed, half blind ogre until I saw the "trainee" tag over her left breast. She was actually quite cute and the only thing I could think of was NICE RACK!
Before the bus came to a screeching halt I did manage to quickly check the seat where the "trainer" usually sits and it was empty. I assumed that at some point he dove out the door and was embeded in a snowbank somewhere along the route, thankful to still be alive. Upon making a hasty exit I did do my civic duty and checked for him under the bus just in case he wasn't being dragged along or stuck spinning with the tires.
I kept thinking that the driver was either drunk or very incompetant as the tires were often rubbing on or going over sidewalks. Each nudge would spill a few gulps from someones morning caffeine injection and test the poor stander's death grip on the poles. One corner grazing nearly catapulted one dude off of his half seat. That was his fault for deciding to sit next to another big dude which means that one butt cheek gets to hang over the edge of the Kindergarten sized seats.
Armed with my usual big mouth and fury over being subjected to this carnival ride, when nearing my stop I carefully made my way to the front of the bus keeping both hands frimly clamped around poles, seat backs and a few shoulders only to finally see who was driving. I would like to have been able to report that it was that monkey that escaped from the zoo a few weeks earlier, but we don't have a zoo and a monkey probably would have done a better job. I was about to begin berating the lead footed, half blind ogre until I saw the "trainee" tag over her left breast. She was actually quite cute and the only thing I could think of was NICE RACK!
Before the bus came to a screeching halt I did manage to quickly check the seat where the "trainer" usually sits and it was empty. I assumed that at some point he dove out the door and was embeded in a snowbank somewhere along the route, thankful to still be alive. Upon making a hasty exit I did do my civic duty and checked for him under the bus just in case he wasn't being dragged along or stuck spinning with the tires.
Monday, February 14, 2011
HARRUMP!
Some people need to go back to Elementary school. Remember learning how to stand in line and proceed one at a time! Apparently these rules in our society don't apply when you ride the bus. I got off of bus #1 and proceeded to the line for #2 and took my place like a good little boy, but when the bus came some kindergarten drop out decided to try and bypass the line and squeeze in near the front. Unfortunately for him, he tried to do so right in front of me...BIG MISTAKE! As we neared the door I quickly moved in front of him and blocked his path and proceeded to let everyone behind me get on first.
HARRUMP! Was the sound of victory that I heard behind me as that sweet elderly lady got on with a big smile. She saw the whole thing and quite enjoyed watching someone 6ft 220lbs put this jerkoff in his place. Excuse me! followed, but I remained well positioned to maximize this dudes hatred for me. I was hoping that once we were all on that he would have to stand, even if it meant I would have to as well, but to no avail. The bus driver also saw the whole thing unfold and didn't even look at my pass. He just smiled at me as these are the small things that help him get through his day. That and nudging sidewalks when people insist on eating while standing.
I hate buses for a reason: because stupid people ride them. When it's done right the ride can be okay, but the few inconsiderate, waste of oxygen, stinky, loudmouthed, butting in, ^%$#*^% A HOLES make the ride intolerable for the rest of us.
HARRUMP! Was the sound of victory that I heard behind me as that sweet elderly lady got on with a big smile. She saw the whole thing and quite enjoyed watching someone 6ft 220lbs put this jerkoff in his place. Excuse me! followed, but I remained well positioned to maximize this dudes hatred for me. I was hoping that once we were all on that he would have to stand, even if it meant I would have to as well, but to no avail. The bus driver also saw the whole thing unfold and didn't even look at my pass. He just smiled at me as these are the small things that help him get through his day. That and nudging sidewalks when people insist on eating while standing.
I hate buses for a reason: because stupid people ride them. When it's done right the ride can be okay, but the few inconsiderate, waste of oxygen, stinky, loudmouthed, butting in, ^%$#*^% A HOLES make the ride intolerable for the rest of us.
Friday, February 11, 2011
They would never convict me
Animals are territorial and humans are no different. As buses fill the poor bastards who get on last are stuck standing. Some, despite the numerous bellows from the driver to move to the rear, stick to their spot near the front like stubborn cattle. Eventually you end up with 15 people packed in like sardines in the first few yards and voids all the way to the back. I wanted to start early today so I jumped on the first bus that already had people standing. I don't care about the standing part, but the cow that completely blocked my path to greener pastures with her grain fed monstrosity of an ass and back pack no doubt filled with her daily cud kick started my creative juices for today's blog.
I finally got past her and I must admit I was quite rude about it. She readjusted her feed bag just in time to annoy the next passenger who had hopes of a simple spot where he could actually breath. I spent the next 20 minutes just staring at her hoping that I could make her head explode with my mind to no avail. I kept thinking to myself how satisfying it would be to just walk up and punch her in the face and I'm sure no judge would comvict me.
The idiots blocked by her were no smarter. Whipped by a society that frowns on standing up for yourself, they just stayed there and suffered the whole way. The fun part came near the end of my ride as passengers start to get off at their stops and she was one of the first. Instead of disturbing 3 people by taking the middle door, she waddled and crushed her way to the front leaving behind several wounded and many who will likely need psychological counselling to get over the trauma.
Karma! please kick in!!! Please let her fall under the wheels of the bus or at least have her slip on the sidewalk.... no luck. Oh well, there's always tomorrow.
I finally got past her and I must admit I was quite rude about it. She readjusted her feed bag just in time to annoy the next passenger who had hopes of a simple spot where he could actually breath. I spent the next 20 minutes just staring at her hoping that I could make her head explode with my mind to no avail. I kept thinking to myself how satisfying it would be to just walk up and punch her in the face and I'm sure no judge would comvict me.
The idiots blocked by her were no smarter. Whipped by a society that frowns on standing up for yourself, they just stayed there and suffered the whole way. The fun part came near the end of my ride as passengers start to get off at their stops and she was one of the first. Instead of disturbing 3 people by taking the middle door, she waddled and crushed her way to the front leaving behind several wounded and many who will likely need psychological counselling to get over the trauma.
Karma! please kick in!!! Please let her fall under the wheels of the bus or at least have her slip on the sidewalk.... no luck. Oh well, there's always tomorrow.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Welcome to I hate buses
I truely hate buses. I am forced to use them because parking near to my work is impossible and being Canadian means that biking to work is possible only for a few months a year.
So, every weekday morning I'm going to try and post my experiences from that morning's commute and the previous evening's headache. It only takes me 1 hour from my door to my office, which starts with a drive to the local Park n Ride, a 10 to 15 minute wait for bus #1 and a half hour drive across Gatineau. The voyage isn't done there. We still have to cross a bridge, drive past the Canadian parliament building and finally stop in front of the Rideau center (Canada's finest shopping mall for the rich and stupid). Now it's time to wait another 10 minutes for another bus to take me the final few km to work. One good thing, it drops me off right in front of the building...LUCKY ME!
Apparently I'm helping to save the environment, but I'm sure that the greenhouse gases in the steam coming out of my ears each day is negating the advantage for Mom Nature. We probably can expect a few tenths of a degree warmer summer this year after I tried to get up from my seat last night only to be snapped back by a well chewed piece of gum stuck to the heating board. I feel sorry for the poor lady with the new frizzy hairdo for taking the brunt of my ear exhaust, but she rides the bus and therefore took that risk of her own free will.
See you tomorrow,
Johnny B. Good
So, every weekday morning I'm going to try and post my experiences from that morning's commute and the previous evening's headache. It only takes me 1 hour from my door to my office, which starts with a drive to the local Park n Ride, a 10 to 15 minute wait for bus #1 and a half hour drive across Gatineau. The voyage isn't done there. We still have to cross a bridge, drive past the Canadian parliament building and finally stop in front of the Rideau center (Canada's finest shopping mall for the rich and stupid). Now it's time to wait another 10 minutes for another bus to take me the final few km to work. One good thing, it drops me off right in front of the building...LUCKY ME!
Apparently I'm helping to save the environment, but I'm sure that the greenhouse gases in the steam coming out of my ears each day is negating the advantage for Mom Nature. We probably can expect a few tenths of a degree warmer summer this year after I tried to get up from my seat last night only to be snapped back by a well chewed piece of gum stuck to the heating board. I feel sorry for the poor lady with the new frizzy hairdo for taking the brunt of my ear exhaust, but she rides the bus and therefore took that risk of her own free will.
See you tomorrow,
Johnny B. Good
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