Buses: An effective deterrant to the rediculous notion called cycling

I haven't written about buses in such a long while, mainly due the fact that I don't ride them anymore, and I had pretty much summed up the best of the worse with my rants from a few years back...but then shit happened. Everyone knows that shit is out there with their Midas touch, turning everything they touch to shit and like a good slick shit they slip away to shit heaven before shit falls on their heads. I wish I had Mr Leahy's proficiency at shitisms.

I love bikes. The pedal kind. The total cost to run a bike over a car is insane...so in recent years I've taken to riding to work...hence the no more ranting about these ugly tubes of mostly stupid. After getting over the initial shock of using muscle power vs napping in a superbly oxygen adjusted atmosphere, just a few million O2 molecules above comatose, I began to notice a few things about my ride that I never expected. Even on cold, snowy or rainy days the total zen quality to an uninterrupted ride. The notion of zero cost, free parking and beautiful views when your not on connector roads, makes the occasional cramps and flat tire worth it...until buses are factored in.

Buses are driven by people hired from the same population that yields idiots who don't have the ability to see motorcycles, bicycles or pedestrians while driving. For the most part cars are avoidable and have the ability to brake within reasonable distances, but a bus...it'll kill you twice before you can even touch your brakes. The combination of idiot and bad brakes is a lethal cocktail to anything flesh and bone and when they simply don't respect the law...shit happens! Lucky for me I had enough sense to expect the worse and was not disappointed.

Buses have their own inlet at street corners as to not block traffic while riders board and they have a yield sign that must be respected once they turn on their turn signal. But they also have to yield to any traffic that is already in motion beside them. That "traffic" can be made up of any vehicle authorized to drive in that lane and a cyclist, like myself, can easily reach the minimum of the posted speed limit which at 60% relates to only 30kph...that morning I was easily traveling at 40kph, therefore a legal occupant of my lane. I had already crossed the intersection and was beside the back wheel of an ShiTO death tube when the turn signal lights flashed at the very moment the shit transporter pulled out. He was barely a foot into my lane when I had already reached his window as I swerved in the only direction possible...into the far left lane in my arc around and passed him. In his arrogance he decided to follow me, one foot off my back fender for the 40 feet or so it took to get over to the side again. The turd at the wheel had help to add to my already agitated self as his compadre in the BMW that had to slow down to avoid getting my dirty blood on his new ride, decided to take matters to his level and belted out a "USE THE BIKE PATH!"

Ignorance aside, that puny little guy on the bike relative to the shit monster on wheels looks a lot bigger next to your window when you are stopped at the next red light. 100 Kilograms of mountain man will change a story to "was just trying to give you some advice...sir" real quick like. I move on, my thoughts are all that's left to keep me warm as I conjure up a multitude of revenge scenarios that resemble the clapping symbols monkey as I formally introduce the two reasons for my high blood pressure face to face.

I hate buses.
The BMW was just an added spice, but I follow our cultural rule and categorically hate them too.
If I survive my next encounter...

Top Ten

It's been a while since my last blog as I'm merely experiencing the same crap over and over so I thought I would put together a top ten reasons why I hate buses:

10. Stale air-Breathing the same air as the 40% who don't brush their teeth is disgusting.
9.   Gum magnet-Buses seam to attract gum, especialy around the seats.
8.   People who can't form into a line-You should have to show your Elementary diploma to buy a bus pass.
7.   Waiting for the stupid things-need I say more
6.   Cell phones-Set the damn things to silent mode and we don't need to hear about your colonoscopy.
5.   Stinky people-The technology exists...it's called running water and soap!!!
4.   Rude people-take off your back packs, move to the back and stop stepping on my feet.
3.   Bad bus drivers-I'd like to see a cop pull them over some mornings and perform breathalizer tests.
2.   Uncomfortable seats-they are probably designed by the Chinese who's average height is 4 ft nothing
1.   Stupid people-THEY ARE EVERYWHERE! especially on buses.

This will probably be my last Blog on the subject. Starting next week I'll start ranting about other things that annoy me with the occasional poke back on buses.

Pie cheese crust all maggety got damp in a sommersville ditch

Yes it's raining in Canada's national capital which means that umbrellas are out and people riding the bus are using them. This, of course, gives every self centered, "me, myself and I" idiot a glorious chance to show off how important they are verses the rest of us useless oxygen mongers. Here is the proper procedure for enforcing your supremacy over the humble masses:

Make your way to one of the first bus stops on the route as to get a whole seat to yourself. As the bus approaches, close your umbrella slowly without shaking it so as to retain the maximum amount of water. Upon taking your throne immediately turn your water logged bat wing unside down on the adjacent seat and bang it a few times to release as must H2O as possible. If you are on a bus with bucket seats then all the better although the older models do have a decent indentation so you not need worry about losing any precious liquid to the floor or even worse, your pants. Now before you settle in to enjoy the ensuing show, be sure to close your umbrella and hook it on the isle seat in front of you so that the troll who takes that one can have a nice pointy handle in their back. If the other prima donna in front of you has followed this procedure correctly then you get extra points for the double whammy...it's called team work! With the stage set it is now time to wait for the double bill...it's like being at the drive in...only fun.

But if you are an a$$hole like me, then you ruin all their fun by quickly wiping the water off (not towards the open floor but towards the offending upper classperson) and while doing so take a good grip of the seat back and ACCIDENTALLY knock the perched umbrella to the floor. I like to switch hands during the wiping so I can take out both the idiot's umbrella that I will be sitting next to and the jerkoff's one sitting behind us. Of course I do excuse myself...about 1/10 of a second before I knock each one to the dirty bus floor.

Late to work

There are many reasons why I hate buses, but there is one thing about them that is positive and that is the bus lane. A beautiful strip of asphalt painted with diamonds reserved just for us losers. The only problem with that is when mother nature takes a huge white dump on us the gas guzzling SU FU&*!NG Vs start thinking that they are justified in using our lane. Just because you need a second mortgage to refill you tank, doesn't mean that you get to ride with us. Of course most have probably figured out that the police are too busy dealing with cars in ditches and other accidents to have the time to monitor the bus lanes for us. All this made me late for work and as a contractor, that is money out of my pocket.

I have a solution though. Mount twin gatling guns on the front of each bus and when an SUV wanders into the bus lane for longer than the permitted amount of time (usually only close to a right hand turn and they must turn) then the driver can reduce the offending machine and occupants to little shreds that city workers can easily sweep up. I had thought of a device similar to a plough that would simply push the SUV over, but that wouldn't be half as fun. Of course a missle launcher mounted on top will be necessary for larger vehicles.

TB to the rescue!

My usual experience on buses is quite negative, but some mornings can be very entertaining. Especially when Tourettes Boy is on. I picked him out as soon as I got on and, despite available seats, I immediately took a comfortable standing spot with the best view at the back of the bus. LET THE SHOW BEGIN! I'm so evil.

TB had a few seats around him open and a few quiet ladies filled them quickly....OHHH this is gonna be sooo goood! TB has a tendancy to bark when he's nervous and when someone sits next to him, he gets nervous. The poor lady probably never rode with him before and she looked like she was close to retirement...she sat right next to him...ARF!!! I think she aged 5 more years and when she landed back in her seat there were claw marks on the ceiling. At least 10 people turned around to see what THAT was all about and the poor TB just kept staring out the window trying to ignore it all.

Another stop, more people get on and TB doesn't like crowds obviously...ARF! ARF! It is quite loud and people who are used to TB are still shook up because you can see them twitch in their seats. The lady got up and walked to the back to stand next to me. Even if she was aware of the syndrome she couldn't take it. Now TB has the only available seat left and the next person to get on must have thought that they were lucky to have a seat seeing as how there were a few people standing at the back. I could visualize the thought bubble over her head: "The fools didn't even see this one! HAHA this is my lucky da...ARF!ARF!ARF!...aaaay...WTF!!!!!!"

Elbow Wars

Every now and then I come accross someone who is as hard headed as I am. If I wanted a seat one morning then I had to take a sideways one at the back of the bus. It has 3 seats designed more for an Asian butt rather than my ample Canadian Bacon fed frame. Of course I had the choice between trying to wedge in next to Andre the Giant or take the edge seat that has a side bar to my left and a pole to my right. The latter had about 4 mm more room so I sucked in my gut, curved my shoulders and squeaked my poor self into it. The pole immediately cut off blood flow to my lower right leg and the side bar prevented me from seperating my knees so I was a 220lbs nutcracker for a half hour.

Two stops later a lovely heifer got on and decided to take the middle seat and all the glorious 3 inches that separated Mr. Giant's and my shoulders. Neither of us could give her any more room despite our futile attempts so she was stuck sitting with her elbows in front of her. I could feel her trying to squirm them back, first on Andre's side and then on mine, but to no avail. Finally she took advantage of a change in warp speed and tucked her elbow in on my side as I was leaning left at a 45 degree angle. Being in the seat with a side bar I could not readjust so I tried to pry her elbow back out, but she was headstrong and didn't care that my head was inches from another rider's lap (fortunatlely is was not Brucy). I got my revenge at the next stop where the driver woke up at the last second and had to brake hard. With her momentum going right I managed to get my elbow back into position so I could be sitting upright again. Betsy didn't like that so she gave me a dirty look and tried to retake the Real Estate that she had annexed from me earlier. About 30 seconds of elbow jousting went on, but in the end she gave up. In my head I conjured up the best Stewie voice and yelled "VICTORY IS MINE!"

Tilted bus

I had a song in my head on last night's ride home..."Oh there she goes, oh there she goes, like an elephant on her toes, she thinks she's sweet...." ARRRGGG! Why did she have to sit next to me?!!! I see this lady, and I use that term loosely, every now and then. She is hard to miss, about 450 lbs, heavy make-up and always carrying bags of food. Her dainty slide into my seat was quite traumatic as I would have preferred a hip check from Chara when he's mad. She isn't very tall, which means that all her weight is tied up in the width department...and that width had me squished against the wall of the bus. I'm sure the Chilean miners had a more comfortable ride coming back to the Earth's surface than I did. I had to time my breaths with hers or I surely would have passed out.

I'm not trying piss off people with weight problems as I'm not a small man myself, but this lady had 4 large bags each stuffed with 3 bags of potato chips. I had no choice but to read the writing on one of them because half of her load was perched on my lap due to her lap being occupied by her mid-section. I would have launched into a series of guffaws had I been able to breath as it read "Health Food Potato Chips"...I think that's what they call an oxymoron!!!

A few minutes into the ride I became serously concerned with my health and decided to pretend that it was my stop coming up...right in the middle of a bridge. It was difficult getting the message accross, not being able to speak or lean or turn my bulging eyes towards her, but she probably felt me squirming to get up. I assumed that that was a common enough occurance for her and had adapted to the feeble twitches of her seat-mates. Either that or she just a good sense of how long the average person can go without proper oxygen intake.

I managed to produce enough movement in my limbs to actually get up, after she had wiggled up out of the seat, and made it to the middle doors and just stood there until my stop came up 20 minutes later. I did look back at one point to see if any standers were desperate enough to sit, but she had the seat all to herself.