It's been a while since my last blog as I'm merely experiencing the same crap over and over so I thought I would put together a top ten reasons why I hate buses:
10. Stale air-Breathing the same air as the 40% who don't brush their teeth is disgusting.
9. Gum magnet-Buses seam to attract gum, especialy around the seats.
8. People who can't form into a line-You should have to show your Elementary diploma to buy a bus pass.
7. Waiting for the stupid things-need I say more
6. Cell phones-Set the damn things to silent mode and we don't need to hear about your colonoscopy.
5. Stinky people-The technology exists...it's called running water and soap!!!
4. Rude people-take off your back packs, move to the back and stop stepping on my feet.
3. Bad bus drivers-I'd like to see a cop pull them over some mornings and perform breathalizer tests.
2. Uncomfortable seats-they are probably designed by the Chinese who's average height is 4 ft nothing
1. Stupid people-THEY ARE EVERYWHERE! especially on buses.
This will probably be my last Blog on the subject. Starting next week I'll start ranting about other things that annoy me with the occasional poke back on buses.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Friday, March 11, 2011
Pie cheese crust all maggety got damp in a sommersville ditch
Yes it's raining in Canada's national capital which means that umbrellas are out and people riding the bus are using them. This, of course, gives every self centered, "me, myself and I" idiot a glorious chance to show off how important they are verses the rest of us useless oxygen mongers. Here is the proper procedure for enforcing your supremacy over the humble masses:
Make your way to one of the first bus stops on the route as to get a whole seat to yourself. As the bus approaches, close your umbrella slowly without shaking it so as to retain the maximum amount of water. Upon taking your throne immediately turn your water logged bat wing unside down on the adjacent seat and bang it a few times to release as must H2O as possible. If you are on a bus with bucket seats then all the better although the older models do have a decent indentation so you not need worry about losing any precious liquid to the floor or even worse, your pants. Now before you settle in to enjoy the ensuing show, be sure to close your umbrella and hook it on the isle seat in front of you so that the troll who takes that one can have a nice pointy handle in their back. If the other prima donna in front of you has followed this procedure correctly then you get extra points for the double whammy...it's called team work! With the stage set it is now time to wait for the double bill...it's like being at the drive in...only fun.
But if you are an a$$hole like me, then you ruin all their fun by quickly wiping the water off (not towards the open floor but towards the offending upper classperson) and while doing so take a good grip of the seat back and ACCIDENTALLY knock the perched umbrella to the floor. I like to switch hands during the wiping so I can take out both the idiot's umbrella that I will be sitting next to and the jerkoff's one sitting behind us. Of course I do excuse myself...about 1/10 of a second before I knock each one to the dirty bus floor.
Make your way to one of the first bus stops on the route as to get a whole seat to yourself. As the bus approaches, close your umbrella slowly without shaking it so as to retain the maximum amount of water. Upon taking your throne immediately turn your water logged bat wing unside down on the adjacent seat and bang it a few times to release as must H2O as possible. If you are on a bus with bucket seats then all the better although the older models do have a decent indentation so you not need worry about losing any precious liquid to the floor or even worse, your pants. Now before you settle in to enjoy the ensuing show, be sure to close your umbrella and hook it on the isle seat in front of you so that the troll who takes that one can have a nice pointy handle in their back. If the other prima donna in front of you has followed this procedure correctly then you get extra points for the double whammy...it's called team work! With the stage set it is now time to wait for the double bill...it's like being at the drive in...only fun.
But if you are an a$$hole like me, then you ruin all their fun by quickly wiping the water off (not towards the open floor but towards the offending upper classperson) and while doing so take a good grip of the seat back and ACCIDENTALLY knock the perched umbrella to the floor. I like to switch hands during the wiping so I can take out both the idiot's umbrella that I will be sitting next to and the jerkoff's one sitting behind us. Of course I do excuse myself...about 1/10 of a second before I knock each one to the dirty bus floor.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Late to work
There are many reasons why I hate buses, but there is one thing about them that is positive and that is the bus lane. A beautiful strip of asphalt painted with diamonds reserved just for us losers. The only problem with that is when mother nature takes a huge white dump on us the gas guzzling SU FU&*!NG Vs start thinking that they are justified in using our lane. Just because you need a second mortgage to refill you tank, doesn't mean that you get to ride with us. Of course most have probably figured out that the police are too busy dealing with cars in ditches and other accidents to have the time to monitor the bus lanes for us. All this made me late for work and as a contractor, that is money out of my pocket.
I have a solution though. Mount twin gatling guns on the front of each bus and when an SUV wanders into the bus lane for longer than the permitted amount of time (usually only close to a right hand turn and they must turn) then the driver can reduce the offending machine and occupants to little shreds that city workers can easily sweep up. I had thought of a device similar to a plough that would simply push the SUV over, but that wouldn't be half as fun. Of course a missle launcher mounted on top will be necessary for larger vehicles.
I have a solution though. Mount twin gatling guns on the front of each bus and when an SUV wanders into the bus lane for longer than the permitted amount of time (usually only close to a right hand turn and they must turn) then the driver can reduce the offending machine and occupants to little shreds that city workers can easily sweep up. I had thought of a device similar to a plough that would simply push the SUV over, but that wouldn't be half as fun. Of course a missle launcher mounted on top will be necessary for larger vehicles.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
TB to the rescue!
My usual experience on buses is quite negative, but some mornings can be very entertaining. Especially when Tourettes Boy is on. I picked him out as soon as I got on and, despite available seats, I immediately took a comfortable standing spot with the best view at the back of the bus. LET THE SHOW BEGIN! I'm so evil.
TB had a few seats around him open and a few quiet ladies filled them quickly....OHHH this is gonna be sooo goood! TB has a tendancy to bark when he's nervous and when someone sits next to him, he gets nervous. The poor lady probably never rode with him before and she looked like she was close to retirement...she sat right next to him...ARF!!! I think she aged 5 more years and when she landed back in her seat there were claw marks on the ceiling. At least 10 people turned around to see what THAT was all about and the poor TB just kept staring out the window trying to ignore it all.
Another stop, more people get on and TB doesn't like crowds obviously...ARF! ARF! It is quite loud and people who are used to TB are still shook up because you can see them twitch in their seats. The lady got up and walked to the back to stand next to me. Even if she was aware of the syndrome she couldn't take it. Now TB has the only available seat left and the next person to get on must have thought that they were lucky to have a seat seeing as how there were a few people standing at the back. I could visualize the thought bubble over her head: "The fools didn't even see this one! HAHA this is my lucky da...ARF!ARF!ARF!...aaaay...WTF!!!!!!"
TB had a few seats around him open and a few quiet ladies filled them quickly....OHHH this is gonna be sooo goood! TB has a tendancy to bark when he's nervous and when someone sits next to him, he gets nervous. The poor lady probably never rode with him before and she looked like she was close to retirement...she sat right next to him...ARF!!! I think she aged 5 more years and when she landed back in her seat there were claw marks on the ceiling. At least 10 people turned around to see what THAT was all about and the poor TB just kept staring out the window trying to ignore it all.
Another stop, more people get on and TB doesn't like crowds obviously...ARF! ARF! It is quite loud and people who are used to TB are still shook up because you can see them twitch in their seats. The lady got up and walked to the back to stand next to me. Even if she was aware of the syndrome she couldn't take it. Now TB has the only available seat left and the next person to get on must have thought that they were lucky to have a seat seeing as how there were a few people standing at the back. I could visualize the thought bubble over her head: "The fools didn't even see this one! HAHA this is my lucky da...ARF!ARF!ARF!...aaaay...WTF!!!!!!"
Monday, March 7, 2011
Elbow Wars
Every now and then I come accross someone who is as hard headed as I am. If I wanted a seat one morning then I had to take a sideways one at the back of the bus. It has 3 seats designed more for an Asian butt rather than my ample Canadian Bacon fed frame. Of course I had the choice between trying to wedge in next to Andre the Giant or take the edge seat that has a side bar to my left and a pole to my right. The latter had about 4 mm more room so I sucked in my gut, curved my shoulders and squeaked my poor self into it. The pole immediately cut off blood flow to my lower right leg and the side bar prevented me from seperating my knees so I was a 220lbs nutcracker for a half hour.
Two stops later a lovely heifer got on and decided to take the middle seat and all the glorious 3 inches that separated Mr. Giant's and my shoulders. Neither of us could give her any more room despite our futile attempts so she was stuck sitting with her elbows in front of her. I could feel her trying to squirm them back, first on Andre's side and then on mine, but to no avail. Finally she took advantage of a change in warp speed and tucked her elbow in on my side as I was leaning left at a 45 degree angle. Being in the seat with a side bar I could not readjust so I tried to pry her elbow back out, but she was headstrong and didn't care that my head was inches from another rider's lap (fortunatlely is was not Brucy). I got my revenge at the next stop where the driver woke up at the last second and had to brake hard. With her momentum going right I managed to get my elbow back into position so I could be sitting upright again. Betsy didn't like that so she gave me a dirty look and tried to retake the Real Estate that she had annexed from me earlier. About 30 seconds of elbow jousting went on, but in the end she gave up. In my head I conjured up the best Stewie voice and yelled "VICTORY IS MINE!"
Two stops later a lovely heifer got on and decided to take the middle seat and all the glorious 3 inches that separated Mr. Giant's and my shoulders. Neither of us could give her any more room despite our futile attempts so she was stuck sitting with her elbows in front of her. I could feel her trying to squirm them back, first on Andre's side and then on mine, but to no avail. Finally she took advantage of a change in warp speed and tucked her elbow in on my side as I was leaning left at a 45 degree angle. Being in the seat with a side bar I could not readjust so I tried to pry her elbow back out, but she was headstrong and didn't care that my head was inches from another rider's lap (fortunatlely is was not Brucy). I got my revenge at the next stop where the driver woke up at the last second and had to brake hard. With her momentum going right I managed to get my elbow back into position so I could be sitting upright again. Betsy didn't like that so she gave me a dirty look and tried to retake the Real Estate that she had annexed from me earlier. About 30 seconds of elbow jousting went on, but in the end she gave up. In my head I conjured up the best Stewie voice and yelled "VICTORY IS MINE!"
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Tilted bus
I had a song in my head on last night's ride home..."Oh there she goes, oh there she goes, like an elephant on her toes, she thinks she's sweet...." ARRRGGG! Why did she have to sit next to me?!!! I see this lady, and I use that term loosely, every now and then. She is hard to miss, about 450 lbs, heavy make-up and always carrying bags of food. Her dainty slide into my seat was quite traumatic as I would have preferred a hip check from Chara when he's mad. She isn't very tall, which means that all her weight is tied up in the width department...and that width had me squished against the wall of the bus. I'm sure the Chilean miners had a more comfortable ride coming back to the Earth's surface than I did. I had to time my breaths with hers or I surely would have passed out.
I'm not trying piss off people with weight problems as I'm not a small man myself, but this lady had 4 large bags each stuffed with 3 bags of potato chips. I had no choice but to read the writing on one of them because half of her load was perched on my lap due to her lap being occupied by her mid-section. I would have launched into a series of guffaws had I been able to breath as it read "Health Food Potato Chips"...I think that's what they call an oxymoron!!!
A few minutes into the ride I became serously concerned with my health and decided to pretend that it was my stop coming up...right in the middle of a bridge. It was difficult getting the message accross, not being able to speak or lean or turn my bulging eyes towards her, but she probably felt me squirming to get up. I assumed that that was a common enough occurance for her and had adapted to the feeble twitches of her seat-mates. Either that or she just a good sense of how long the average person can go without proper oxygen intake.
I managed to produce enough movement in my limbs to actually get up, after she had wiggled up out of the seat, and made it to the middle doors and just stood there until my stop came up 20 minutes later. I did look back at one point to see if any standers were desperate enough to sit, but she had the seat all to herself.
I'm not trying piss off people with weight problems as I'm not a small man myself, but this lady had 4 large bags each stuffed with 3 bags of potato chips. I had no choice but to read the writing on one of them because half of her load was perched on my lap due to her lap being occupied by her mid-section. I would have launched into a series of guffaws had I been able to breath as it read "Health Food Potato Chips"...I think that's what they call an oxymoron!!!
A few minutes into the ride I became serously concerned with my health and decided to pretend that it was my stop coming up...right in the middle of a bridge. It was difficult getting the message accross, not being able to speak or lean or turn my bulging eyes towards her, but she probably felt me squirming to get up. I assumed that that was a common enough occurance for her and had adapted to the feeble twitches of her seat-mates. Either that or she just a good sense of how long the average person can go without proper oxygen intake.
I managed to produce enough movement in my limbs to actually get up, after she had wiggled up out of the seat, and made it to the middle doors and just stood there until my stop came up 20 minutes later. I did look back at one point to see if any standers were desperate enough to sit, but she had the seat all to herself.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Be nice, but shut up about it
Another day, another strange issue to report on the current state of public transportation in Canada's national capitol. I would suspect, however, that this $h!t happens everywhere that there are buses... and humans. You can tell who was spoiled rotten as a child and who was raised to have empathy for others by the way people comport themselves on a bus. The few bad apples cause so much distress to others by insisting that they inflict their bad habits, hygiene and personal taste on the masses. Attitude over any given situation is important in my eyes and how you react can make the difference. Underreacting is as bad as going ballistic over a little thing. Some people have no spine and would probably apologize for getting their blood on a killer's knife. Others take offense to such idiotic situations.
Occasionally, some poor sucker gets berated for just trying to be nice. Like the dude last night who immediately got out of his seat up front when a pregnant lady got on. At first I was thinking that this guy is one of the few who really care as this lady was relatively thin for her bloated stomach, but that soon changed to feeling bad for him as this beyach, who took the seat and then tore a piece off of him when he asked her how far along she was. It turned out that she was just fat that way. No good dead goes unpunished I guess.
One can just hope that karma would kick in sometime when she's stuffing her face with pizza pops. Not that I would wish her dead or anything like that, but maybe a hard piece of crust could break a tooth or some hot sauce could burn that ugly tongue. You know, a punishment that fits the crime.
Occasionally, some poor sucker gets berated for just trying to be nice. Like the dude last night who immediately got out of his seat up front when a pregnant lady got on. At first I was thinking that this guy is one of the few who really care as this lady was relatively thin for her bloated stomach, but that soon changed to feeling bad for him as this beyach, who took the seat and then tore a piece off of him when he asked her how far along she was. It turned out that she was just fat that way. No good dead goes unpunished I guess.
One can just hope that karma would kick in sometime when she's stuffing her face with pizza pops. Not that I would wish her dead or anything like that, but maybe a hard piece of crust could break a tooth or some hot sauce could burn that ugly tongue. You know, a punishment that fits the crime.
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